Self Doubt, Impostor Syndrome, and The Shadow

I had Apple on Couch in my mind for so long.

I know what I want, or what my purpose is. But why is it so hard to just start? It was like something was blocking me, and I couldn’t push myself to build the website nor write. It was like so many questions flooded my mind all at once, all the time. And I would ask:

‘What if I fail?’

‘What if I’m not good enough?’

Childhood Trauma and The Shadow

I always liked learning psychology and what really stuck to me was the concept of childhood trauma and the shadow, how they affect our daily lives. It is said that what we went through in childhood will shape us forever, that includes all the negative parts of ourselves. Meanwhile, the shadow is the side of us that we hate, push away, and push down. The shadow is deeply connected to our childhood wounds, to what we were told as kids.

For me, it was for how I express myself. I was always told that I need to be nice all the time, that I had to suppress all my thoughts and emotions if it meant keeping the peace. I agreed with it until a certain point in my life, where I realized that peace doesn’t mean contentment. What good is peace if it silences everything that matters to us? At one point, I got sick of being silent. I loathe the amount of how much I need to bottle everything inside for the sake of ‘peace’.

But even until now, as I aspire to become a writer who brings voice to all these emotions and human depth, I still doubt myself. Those voices from my mentors, parents, or anyone that had shaped my childhood still haunts my mind. And from that, self-doubt was born.

Procrastination

I always have visions in my mind, most of the time it’s greater than myself. I have had them since I was just a kid who liked to imagine the things that may have been impossible. I know what I’m able to do and how far I can get. But again, like this Apple on Couch project, I procrastinate a lot. I would find reasons, any reasons, to not get my ass up and do it. It is especially hard in our modern world, where dopamine can be earned in an instant. Where the easier things are literally in our pockets. Do we know how bad it is for us? Without a doubt. Do we do something about it?

Not exactly.

But I believe that everything has its reasons. And procrastination is the byproduct of underlying problems. And one of those problems is usually self-doubt. But why? Why do we procrastinate even when we care a lot about the things we want to do? The truth is we are scared.

Yes, scared, you could even say we are scared to death. No matter how much we try to deny it, fear either drives us or pushes us into a giant hole of self-loathing. When we doubt ourselves, it’s because we create scenes in our head. Because our fears label us with nasty things and we believe it. Face it, we will never be good enough for ourselves. At least not without any changes made to our self-esteem.

Facing Fears…and The Shadow

So what do we do now? We face our fears. What we fear isn’t always about what we lack, but about what we avoid to face. It’s the side of us that is unacceptable, shameful, and we always loathe to show to the world. But the reality is, we can’t suppress this part of us because it is a part of us.

Without it, we’re incomplete and unbalanced. That’s why the more we try to fight or suppress our shadow, the more unhappy we are. Facing it doesn’t mean we listen to it, but it means we try to understand it. Why do we feel this way? Why do we avoid our shadow? Instead of trying to silence it, we try to accept it and even console it.

Remember when I said how childhood trauma shapes the shadow? Because it is your childhood self, scared, trembling, and the only thing they know is how to protect themselves. And what protections are better than not doing anything at all? Than staying in your own comfort zone? That’s why you have to console them, like consoling a scared child and tell them that everything will be fine. Our fears are protecting us from the trauma that we don’t want to go through again. And it’s doing a very good job at that.

So we face them, console them, tell them that this time everything will be different. That it will be okay to start again. Maybe also tell them that even when we fail again, it doesn’t mean we’re defeated. Heal it, hold its hand and promise them that everything will be alright and it will be worth it in the end.

But how?

You might be thinking, I know that already. But how?

I’m going to be honest with you, there is no fixed way to do it nor better ways. But let me ask you this, when was the last time you allowed yourself to just sit and get to know yourself? When was the last time you talked to yourself and asked yourself ‘How are you doing?’.

We live in a modern society where we’re always expected to be this, be that, and sitting around is called unproductive. Where people told you that talking to yourself is stupid and you might need to seek help if you do it. But really, how much do you know yourself?

We might know lots of people, even their personal problems and dramas but the truth is, we barely know ourselves. We try to change ourselves so much to fit the mold to the point we push away the very essence of us. So all you have to do is sit, put away your phone, and ask yourself questions. Open your mind to all the things you dislike about yourself, like talking to a vulnerable child. Face this child, this shadow, and you’ll find answers you never thought of. And from that too, you can work through the fears that are hindering you.

Nobody is perfect

You can’t do this in one sitting and expect it to work immediately. Nobody is perfect and facing our own shadow can be hard and scary. So take it slow and take your time to get to know yourself. Maybe you’ll stumble in the middle of it and get scared again, maybe it will be so slow to the point that you want to give up. But life is a journey and the only thing we can do is weave our path so we won’t have many regrets in the end. My only advice is to take it slow and enjoy the process, keep an open mind, and don’t be too hard on yourself. You are enough, no matter what the world says.

Remember that deep down, we’re just scared. This part of us is vulnerable and hurting. We know that it is trembling in fear and in the process promised to do anything to protect itself from harm. All it needs is a hug, and we give it just that. For as long as it wants.