Is it truly what you want to do, or what you’re supposed to do?

It was 1 AM and I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I bought a hardcopy of the book but turns out it wasn’t the version that I wanted. So I ended up reading the ebook instead. This part of my life was honestly…hard. I couldn’t sleep, my mind was buzzing, and I have work tomorrow. But what did I do? I read Meditations, play The Smiths’ songs, and drink some tea.

There were some interesting passages to me, one of them was:

‘Ignoring what goes on in other people’s souls—no one ever came to grief that way. But if you won’t keep track of what your own soul’s doing, how can you not be unhappy?’ 
(Meditations – Marcus Aurelius translated by Gregory Hays)

It makes me wonder, how are we in the modern world?

Ever since we were little, we were always told that we will need to find a suitable job one day, maybe find a nice person to marry and have kids with, and then retire. But how much of it is truly what we want? 

Let’s face it, sometimes we hate our job. We might date someone we don’t like, but we stay anyway because they look good on paper. How much of our life is truly what we want to do? Not what we’re supposed to do?

Marcus Aurelius’ words made me think. We always knew what we wanted, right? Maybe get a fulfilling job and fall in love. Maybe start a business, or help people. But are those truly what we want to do? Are those really our soul’s true calling instead of the things that other people taught us we should want? Isn’t it stupid to ignore that and say ‘Oh, I’m so unhappy! I’m so miserable!’.

We learned a lot about ‘what we want’ from the people around us. We might want a job in finances or stocks because we see the people who do are rich. Who doesn’t want to be rich? Then we see superstars with perfect models as their lover and we say ‘I want that too!’. We see other people’s happiness and say ‘I wish I could be as happy as them.’

But how far can we go with those desires? Because with those thoughts, we ignore other people’s internal lives and only focus on the external. That is the trap, we never know what’s really going on inside or what’s behind the closed doors. We only see the good and the acceptable surface of it. But the truth is, everyone has the same turmoil. The same misery, all for different reasons. We will never grieve when we see someone’s happiness because we only see the happiness, not all the struggle they had before reaching that point. Or the grieves they have at a certain point of time. Or even currently.

And have we ever asked ourselves about our own misery? Instead of just feeling it, how many times have we questioned it? Why, not as a complaint, but as reason?

The Trap

We all know that everything has the internal and external. Most of the time, we interact only with the external using our senses. We see, smell, hear, taste, and feel everything around us. Then all of that goes through a process in the internal. What is it that we can get from this? What can we incorporate from this?

The trap is, we usually take the external information for us to change the internal, which is not always bad most of the time. But we tend to overdo it and what happens is the more we take things, the less we will filter it. Because when we take too much external things and take it as ours, we are less likely to reflect it with what we value. In the end, our values changed and sometimes we lose ourselves in it.

When our true value is missing, one that was created solely by the internal, we will slowly forget our purpose. To me, this is what Marcus Aurelius meant by the soul. The soul is what we truly value, our purpose, drive and what makes us tick. It’s the thing that keeps us moving forward for the longest time. But when we start to drown our soul with what we got from the external, we will start to forget and ignore it in the depths of our psyche. And we will end up living like a zombie, whose drives were pushed solely by external factors.

Is it really what you want to do?

Think about your job, for example. How much of it actually comes from the inside? And how much of it was told by others ‘it’s the best for you and for your own good’?

The thing is, we usually create most of our misery ourselves. Not because of our actions, but because we always do things against our own will. We listened to others all the time but when was the last time you listened to yourself? How many times did you tell yourself ‘this is for the better’ when you know it’s not, and will never be?

We get up, have breakfast, commute, go to work, go home, and repeat. Is that really the life that you want? Don’t get me wrong, there are people out there who enjoy the routine and there’s nothing wrong with that. Routine can be a good thing, it brings you safety and sense of security. But for those of you who say ‘I hate my job’ all the time, are you even living?

I, for one, am one of those people. I know responsibilities exist and you can’t just leave your job on a whim. We all have necessities and of course we need stability. But still, just ask yourself, how long are you gonna ignore your soul and keep up with ‘what’s best for you’?

Knowing the ‘soul’

The concept of the soul doesn’t have to be spiritual all the time. It can talk about the psyche, the basis of what and who we are. Humans have consciousness and sometimes we forget how to use it in our daily routines. This is why we feel like zombies sometimes.

We are conscious enough that we are able to question ourselves. What is it that drives me? What makes me tick? Excited?

By asking those questions, we get to know our soul again. Life doesn’t have to be stagnant, especially when you can go out there doing things that you actually enjoy. Not what other people think you will enjoy. There’s nothing wrong with being authentic, especially to yourself. Stop denying yourself and your own needs and then whine about how unhappy you are.

Because if you won’t keep track of what your own soul’s doing, how can you not be unhappy?